About 6 months ago I promised myself I would blog everything about my time in Europe-- the good, the bad, the ugly. Come what may, it was part of the "process." Six months later, I lay here thinking about this semester, all the emotions rushing through me as I attempted to experience all of Europe in merely 15 weeks. What a stupid thought, thinking that would be enough time to fully appreciate and fully understand everything. An even dumber thought-- thinking I'd be ready to leave here. All semester I knew this day would come, but now, I am writing my last blog from Europe, as tomorrow (6am I leave for the airport by the way), I leave behind everything and everyone I've grown to love so much.
Earlier this semester I told my sister that leaving the Netherlands would probably be the most difficult thing I've done in my life. She basically called me out and said that I can count my blessings if that was the hardest thing I had to deal with. At first I thought she could maybe be right. Saying goodbye isn't so bad, and besides I know I'll be back to see all these people again in 6 or so months. So it's not actually a goodbye; it's just a temporary parting of ways. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong! Here is why I was right in the first place:
I came here 4 months ago, a rookie to the Dutch way of life, to traveling, and to everything this semester was about. I was interesting to the Dutch people. I don't speak their language, eat their food, use their modes of transportation, or have the same political views as many. Yes, I'm an arrogant, loud American who will probably get married much too early, but I was new. I had a story (or 107890351290) that they hadn't heard before. I had a family from here they didn't know anything about. I had a history. Throughout the semester, together with all the SPICE participants and random Dutch people, I shared all of this and more, as we went through experiences together that created bonds and relationships so strong that you can't keep secrets, that you don't want to keep secrets. By the end of the semester, there were so many connections, so many friendships, so much love, I wanted nothing less than to ensure these people of how much they meant to me and how much I really trusted and cared for them. By the end of the semester, saying goodbye, even if it is only for 6 or 7 months, is indeed the most difficult thing I have come across thus far in my life.
Not because I'm going to miss them (though that is true). But because in 6 or 7 months, there will be someone else new, someone else with stories and family and travel plans to discover. There will be another obnoxious American girl who likes to have a good time and speak her mind.
Call me selfish, I've known since my childhood that's something I have to work on, but I really don't like that idea. Not because I have a problem with new people, but because I don't want to be "replaced." Every year the GH harbors students from Dordt College, and every year they meet the same people and form the same relationships with the people who gave me so many opportunities, so much love and support, and a much more positive outlook than I left America with. I never want to replace any of the relationships I made here. I never want to even try. And it kills me that someday, I could be replaced. Selfish me wants the SPICE program to be cancelled next year, not because I don't want others to have the opportunities I have (because I fully believe that studying abroad is the best choice a student can make), but because I don't want to feel like I didn't make a difference to the people I spent so much time with the past 4 months. No photos, no blogs, no amount of tears shed will ever fully grasp the impact this semester made for me.
Alright, now I'm done being selfish. I know that people always say that we'll keep in touch, we'll never forget each other, and so on and so forth, but this time, I mean it... I can't imagine life without the people I met in the Netherlands, and so I won't. :) Yesterday I was on the phone with my best friend and I was telling her about the discomfort I've been feeling about this whole parting of ways thing with those Dutchies I met. She empathized with me but then she said something that my selfishness wouldn't let me think about earlier. Yes, every year there's new SPICE students, but every year they're different. No SPICE group is the same. No SPICE student is the same. No SPICE relationship with the Dutchies is the same. While that is comforting, I still dread the thought of things changing in the next 6 months. I am fully aware and prepared for some serious change to take place in my life in the coming months, and I look forward to the good things that will come of that. I can't wait to share what I experienced in Europe and my renewed spirit with my friends and family back home. I can't wait to create new memories with the ones I love here in America, but I'm curious to see if the dynamics of my relationships will change. Regardless, I know that I'll always have my family and my closest friends, no matter how dumb my decisions are. Come what may, they're always going to be there.
I hope and pray that this remains the same for my relationships in the Netherlands. What I discovered about myself this semester is that I suck at keeping in touch. Yes, I blogged for everyone to read, posted pictures for everyone to see, but I had hardly any idea what was going on back home. I even missed one of my closest high school friend's engagement! I'm sure this will happen with some people in the Netherlands, but I don't want it to. I want to keep in touch both ways. I want to share my life with them and theirs with me, so that when we are reunited, it's like we were never apart.
“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
-- Terry Pratchett
I hope and pray that this remains the same for my relationships in the Netherlands. What I discovered about myself this semester is that I suck at keeping in touch. Yes, I blogged for everyone to read, posted pictures for everyone to see, but I had hardly any idea what was going on back home. I even missed one of my closest high school friend's engagement! I'm sure this will happen with some people in the Netherlands, but I don't want it to. I want to keep in touch both ways. I want to share my life with them and theirs with me, so that when we are reunited, it's like we were never apart.
“Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.”
-- Terry Pratchett
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